Dr. Gottlieb, who happens to be a graduate from my medical school wrote a great article in the Atlantic leading up to the release of her book. The link to the article is here. I think it puts the most succinct rebuttal to the myth of sex and the city. I admit I have seen my fair share of Carrie Bradshaw (but that's another story entirely).
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2008/03/marry-him/6651/
What she describes is that as women mature, their tastes in men and their wants out of life mature. The deal breakers of today aren't the deal breakers of tomorrow. And though some women call that "settling" in the present, it really takes a lot of insight to be able to look past the winsome wants or dislikes of today. Men and women did not evolve to be living until our 80's like we frequently do today and our reproductive capacity drops off after a certain age -- true more in women than in men. But I agree that as I approach the tender age of 30 and it looms ever nearer, I see my female friends going into a panic. Now I am not advocating to settle for unhealthy relationships, but "real relationships" not Hollywood concocted fantasies/farces of a relationship.
I find myself not wanting to waste women's time or my own if I don't think it's going to work out. I think this article really addressed the 800-pound gorilla sitting in the room amongst my 30-year old female friends.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Monday, July 5, 2010
Thoughts on race
Well, what are the facts?
Among people who identify themselves as Asian/Pacific Islander on the U.S. Census, the number of Asian Female mixed couples compared to Asian Male mixed couples is dramatically skewed. It is more culturally accepted and even portrayed in the media that an Asian woman is a perfectly acceptable life partner for caucasian males. Now does that mean that Asian males should ostracize or denigrate women of their race who choose to date outside? Of course not. Not only do you gripe about the fate that has befallen you, but you blame it on the very people you hope to win the hearts and minds of. That is not a solution, instead embrace it. Culturally, you can date anyone you want. Isn't that liberating, rather than restricting?
What I see most often leading to low morale and self-esteem among Asian men is that they would like to be able to date other races, but feel blocked out. They feel that cultural stereotypes put them at a disadvantage while putting their female counterparts at an advantage. Dating isn't easy. It's a lot of trial and error and a lot of changing one person's mind at a time. And because they "feel" like they can't date outside of their race, they resent the fact that others are dating from what was traditionally "their pool of dating partners." Well, guys you have to snap out of it. In a world of increasing globalization and exposure to other cultures, you have to adapt. And women are not prizes to be won. They are looking for happiness and love, just as we are.
Now, I am not saying to change yourself. But universally, I have found that women are attracted to confident, successful, charismatic men. You can have Asian values and be all of those things, so don't view it as limiting, sometimes you just need to get out of your rut. I have two younger brothers and our dating proclivities are night and day, but we all adhere to similar principles, be true to yourself and put your best foot forward with a smile on your face and an air of self-confidence. Nobody bats 100%.
Among people who identify themselves as Asian/Pacific Islander on the U.S. Census, the number of Asian Female mixed couples compared to Asian Male mixed couples is dramatically skewed. It is more culturally accepted and even portrayed in the media that an Asian woman is a perfectly acceptable life partner for caucasian males. Now does that mean that Asian males should ostracize or denigrate women of their race who choose to date outside? Of course not. Not only do you gripe about the fate that has befallen you, but you blame it on the very people you hope to win the hearts and minds of. That is not a solution, instead embrace it. Culturally, you can date anyone you want. Isn't that liberating, rather than restricting?
What I see most often leading to low morale and self-esteem among Asian men is that they would like to be able to date other races, but feel blocked out. They feel that cultural stereotypes put them at a disadvantage while putting their female counterparts at an advantage. Dating isn't easy. It's a lot of trial and error and a lot of changing one person's mind at a time. And because they "feel" like they can't date outside of their race, they resent the fact that others are dating from what was traditionally "their pool of dating partners." Well, guys you have to snap out of it. In a world of increasing globalization and exposure to other cultures, you have to adapt. And women are not prizes to be won. They are looking for happiness and love, just as we are.
Now, I am not saying to change yourself. But universally, I have found that women are attracted to confident, successful, charismatic men. You can have Asian values and be all of those things, so don't view it as limiting, sometimes you just need to get out of your rut. I have two younger brothers and our dating proclivities are night and day, but we all adhere to similar principles, be true to yourself and put your best foot forward with a smile on your face and an air of self-confidence. Nobody bats 100%.
All-time favorite websites
Since moving to Chi-town my all-time favorite websites to figure out what's going on and getting settled in:
For my place:
http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/ -- lots of inspiration. If you live in a small space downtown, sometimes you need to get creative.
For my life:
http://www.lifehacker.com/ -- bunch of useful tips on all sorts of things.
http://www.mint.com/ -- this website is the BOMB. I used to have MS Money. This is way easier and when it comes to personal finances, easier makes it better. Plus, now it's owned by Intuit -- the people who make Quicken, so it's even better.
For going out:
chicago.metromix.com -- they're event section, though not comprehensive is pretty good.
http://www.yelp.com/ -- If you actually spend time to read the individual reviews, and not just the stars it can be pretty useful.
Those are the ones I came up with right now. But I will add some more.
For my place:
http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/ -- lots of inspiration. If you live in a small space downtown, sometimes you need to get creative.
For my life:
http://www.lifehacker.com/ -- bunch of useful tips on all sorts of things.
http://www.mint.com/ -- this website is the BOMB. I used to have MS Money. This is way easier and when it comes to personal finances, easier makes it better. Plus, now it's owned by Intuit -- the people who make Quicken, so it's even better.
For going out:
chicago.metromix.com -- they're event section, though not comprehensive is pretty good.
http://www.yelp.com/ -- If you actually spend time to read the individual reviews, and not just the stars it can be pretty useful.
Those are the ones I came up with right now. But I will add some more.
E-harmony
“You’ll never know if you don’t try it. At least in the bigger scheme of things if it sucks, then you know that you looked at bars, you tried the mutual friend route, and you looked on-line. And there’s nothing that you are missing out on,” said my brother, Chris.
“I don’t know. I just feel weird having to resort to e-harmony for dating,” I answered.
“What’s there to lose?”
“How about 149 bucks!”
“Really? You think that you’ll care about 149 bucks when you meet your wife online.”
“Fine.”
And that’s where I met Kristin.
E-harmony was an interesting experience. Here were so many people floating around as profiles, putting their best foot forward, looking for love online of all places. How do I make a profile? What pictures should I use? I don’t want to sound too nerdy, but I am kind of dorky.
My first match was Kristin. And she contacted me of all things.
“Hey Brian-So I'm new to this website the and it seems the question thing takes forever to get to know someone! I'd like to chat if you'd be up for it.
Best,
Kristin”
“Yeah. That sounds cool. I am a week into this too, so I don't really understand the 4 steps. Passionate about interior design... that sounds cool. Have you seen the show the "outdoor room"? The rooms they come up with are amazing. If you haven't seen the show you should hulu it. Tell me about what you like to do, like what are you up to this weekend? I hope to hear from you soon.”
I've never seen outdoor room...I'll definitely have to check it out. Thanks for the recommendation! So you like to ice skate? I haven't been yet this year, but when I was younger I was quite the skater!
Let's see, during the week I'm working quite a bit as well, going to kickboxing or yoga, trying new places for dinner or drinks, or volunteering with Junior League of Chicago.
As far as this weekend, Saturday I'll probably be going to yoga and then meeting a friend for a little shopping. Saturday night I think I'm actually going to a themed Jersey Shore party. Really random, but I suppose it could be entertaining! What are you up to this weekend?
Where do you live in the city? I live in Lincoln Park.”
“Yeah, I live downtown magnificent mile area. So I can walk to millenium park whenever for free ice skating (with your own skates that is).
I think it's awesome that you do kickboxing and yoga. I volunteer with Chicago Cares. I also mix it up with some hard and soft activities (i.e. jujutsu, ballroom and gymnastics).
I am hanging out with friends in the evenings on friday and saturday. You sound very outgoing and fun, we should meet up some time. Are you free for coffee or ice skating this weekend?”
And that was it. It was not nearly as stressful as I thought it would be. We ended up meeting up Sunday for brunch. It also happened to be Valentine’s day, which I didn’t pay attention to. So we showed up at the restaurant and it was filled with couples, hearts and red balloons everywhere and here I was meeting a girl that I had never met before except online. Would she look like her picture? Stories of people who looked nothing like their picture who were really serial killers sprouted in my mind. Would she really kill me in such a public place? I cleared my mind of such ridiculous thoughts and soon we were in a booth chatting about anything and everything. The thing that struck me about Kristin was that she said the right thing… all the time. It was kind of uncanny. It just made me wonder how closely she read my profile. How did she know that we would like the same things? Was she saying what she knew I wanted to hear, or was that really her and e-harmony’s 29 dimensions of compatibility actually did something right? I don’t believe in those 29 dimensions, there is no scientific merit to that.
The next several months were a whirlwind of meet and greets, ahem I mean dates. They might as well have been business dinners. As I met new people, my confidence in talking to strangers increased. At some point I started to not believe I would find anything meaningful continuing to try and find someone I actually liked.
Kristin was the only one who came close. 3 months later, $149 bucks poorer, I thought it was a great experience, but things never did work out with me and Kristin. The issue with online dating, is just that online dating. E-mail and the web is your competition, so maybe you click well, but you never know if someone will click better.
“I don’t know. I just feel weird having to resort to e-harmony for dating,” I answered.
“What’s there to lose?”
“How about 149 bucks!”
“Really? You think that you’ll care about 149 bucks when you meet your wife online.”
“Fine.”
And that’s where I met Kristin.
E-harmony was an interesting experience. Here were so many people floating around as profiles, putting their best foot forward, looking for love online of all places. How do I make a profile? What pictures should I use? I don’t want to sound too nerdy, but I am kind of dorky.
My first match was Kristin. And she contacted me of all things.
“Hey Brian-So I'm new to this website the and it seems the question thing takes forever to get to know someone! I'd like to chat if you'd be up for it.
Best,
Kristin”
“Yeah. That sounds cool. I am a week into this too, so I don't really understand the 4 steps. Passionate about interior design... that sounds cool. Have you seen the show the "outdoor room"? The rooms they come up with are amazing. If you haven't seen the show you should hulu it. Tell me about what you like to do, like what are you up to this weekend? I hope to hear from you soon.”
I've never seen outdoor room...I'll definitely have to check it out. Thanks for the recommendation! So you like to ice skate? I haven't been yet this year, but when I was younger I was quite the skater!
Let's see, during the week I'm working quite a bit as well, going to kickboxing or yoga, trying new places for dinner or drinks, or volunteering with Junior League of Chicago.
As far as this weekend, Saturday I'll probably be going to yoga and then meeting a friend for a little shopping. Saturday night I think I'm actually going to a themed Jersey Shore party. Really random, but I suppose it could be entertaining! What are you up to this weekend?
Where do you live in the city? I live in Lincoln Park.”
“Yeah, I live downtown magnificent mile area. So I can walk to millenium park whenever for free ice skating (with your own skates that is).
I think it's awesome that you do kickboxing and yoga. I volunteer with Chicago Cares. I also mix it up with some hard and soft activities (i.e. jujutsu, ballroom and gymnastics).
I am hanging out with friends in the evenings on friday and saturday. You sound very outgoing and fun, we should meet up some time. Are you free for coffee or ice skating this weekend?”
And that was it. It was not nearly as stressful as I thought it would be. We ended up meeting up Sunday for brunch. It also happened to be Valentine’s day, which I didn’t pay attention to. So we showed up at the restaurant and it was filled with couples, hearts and red balloons everywhere and here I was meeting a girl that I had never met before except online. Would she look like her picture? Stories of people who looked nothing like their picture who were really serial killers sprouted in my mind. Would she really kill me in such a public place? I cleared my mind of such ridiculous thoughts and soon we were in a booth chatting about anything and everything. The thing that struck me about Kristin was that she said the right thing… all the time. It was kind of uncanny. It just made me wonder how closely she read my profile. How did she know that we would like the same things? Was she saying what she knew I wanted to hear, or was that really her and e-harmony’s 29 dimensions of compatibility actually did something right? I don’t believe in those 29 dimensions, there is no scientific merit to that.
The next several months were a whirlwind of meet and greets, ahem I mean dates. They might as well have been business dinners. As I met new people, my confidence in talking to strangers increased. At some point I started to not believe I would find anything meaningful continuing to try and find someone I actually liked.
Kristin was the only one who came close. 3 months later, $149 bucks poorer, I thought it was a great experience, but things never did work out with me and Kristin. The issue with online dating, is just that online dating. E-mail and the web is your competition, so maybe you click well, but you never know if someone will click better.
How I ended up in Chicago
I guess to add some credence to me being a real person and that I am writing about something real, I thought I should share a little about myself. Give and take I guess.
Well, I was born in our nation's capital, Washington, DC. I grew up in the typical suburban lifestyle. I had culturally mixed parents so I was brought up "American" whatever that was. Since then, I have lived in Boston, the SF Bay Area, and now Chicago. I am a surgeon/doctor and until recently was doing a long-distance relationship to my Vietnamese girlfriend in Los Angeles. That didn't work out... so here I am.
Well, I was born in our nation's capital, Washington, DC. I grew up in the typical suburban lifestyle. I had culturally mixed parents so I was brought up "American" whatever that was. Since then, I have lived in Boston, the SF Bay Area, and now Chicago. I am a surgeon/doctor and until recently was doing a long-distance relationship to my Vietnamese girlfriend in Los Angeles. That didn't work out... so here I am.
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